Let me preface this by saying this isn't about a dude. Well, kind of..but not high school crush, or randoms I'm dating. Let me also say that my PMS has hit an all time high. Low? Have you ever done something really bad? Really evil? Something that your whole life you scoffed at the idea of ever doing, and couldn't imagine how on earth someone could do that to someone else? "I would NEVER do that" you think, you say. If you've been a reader of my blog for awhile, you've read some of the Anonymous Saga. To my new friends the backstory is here and here.
I'm sure you can guess what I did to Anonymous. How else does a girl end an engagement, ruin a life, break a heart, kill a dream, hurt an entire family. By being selfish and impulsive and instead of looking at myself, and at US, I chose to look in the complete opposite direction, and lie and...justify it because it was what I felt I needed. I. ME. Selfish.
I should have mentioned that I'm writing this in tears, so I may not be as eloquent as I usually am. As I said on Twitter-Do you ever feel like your blog is the only friend who will listen and not judge?
There is no going back, no happy ending, time may have moved us on, but some things can't be undone. I know we ALL make mistakes, how else would I be who I am today if I hadn't experienced this, I KNOW that, but I don't FEEL that. I have prayed for forgiveness (and I'm not all too religious guys, but I am the daughter of a former pastor), I have tried to do my best to treat others in ways I didn't treat him, and therefore, stayed in unhealthy long term relationships that didn't deserve me, but it was like I was trying to make up for something. To be the one for them I should have been for him.
But I can't get past this. I feel...on this shitty night, in my pms induced rage and tears, that because of what I did, I will never find happiness again. TRUE happiness, because I don't feel I deserve it. Guys who like me and are good to have fun with-sure, whatever. But I'm 28. Most of my friends are engaged, married or on their way there. I have the glamorous career everyone wants but it doesn't keep me warm at night, does not run to CVS for me to get advil, ice cream and (more) peanut m&m's, doesn't make me laugh.
This is not a blog about how I want to find love, or am excited about a date or a new guy. I literally feel like the huge mistake I made, the horrible way I treated someone who loved me with everything in him, is going to have repercussions that last forever. Karma or whatever you want to call it. I am so anxious all the time...I wake up every morning feeling like a freight train is about to slam into me. I can feel it, I can see it. I am afraid to be completely happy about anything because I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I know that my negative thinking and expecting pain is only manifesting itself, but I don't know how to stop. How to let go. How to not let this thing I did 3 years ago, define the person I am today.
Have you ever done anything you regret...like really regret? How do you move forward? Do I even deserve to move forward? If I did it once, will I do it again? Am I tainted? Am I a horrible bitch? These are just universal questions, but any insight is always appreciated.
(Note to my sweet twitter followers and readers-I cancelled my date this evening. He didn't deserve my time in H.S or now, so there's no need to put a hit out on him, but good to know you've got my back lovers.)
If you read this, thank you. XOXO, Liz
(I just ordered a pizza. Things are lookin up.)












































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